Mother Goose Redux

I

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
all the King’s horses
and all the King’s men
couldn’t put Humpty together again

Which only makes sense
if you’re at all in the groove
because while men have hands
horses have hooves

Still
the way the men figured it
though Humpty was gone
a fitting memorial
was a nice restaurant

The moral of the story
I’m happy to tell:

When life gives you cracked Humpty
don’t mourn his spilled yoke
Start a franchise instead
and name it after the bloke

II

Four and twenty blackbirds
baked into a pie
What kind of lunatic
would even think to try

I don’t know about you
but never have I heard
of such animal cruelty
it’s simply quite absurd

And to make it worse
someone wrote it as a rhyme
I hope old Mother Goose died
in a marinade of brine

III

Jack Sprat
only ate fat
and lived to seventy four

John Doe
only ate roe
and lived to eighty three

Dora Lean
only ate beans
and died of anaemia at fifty

See they didn’t have
supplements back then
or soy beans
or much common sense
for that matter

IV

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped
over the candlestick

All the King’s horses
and all the King’s men
laughed because Jack
was such an idiot
and totally unemployable
since candlestick jumpers
just aren’t of much use

So they made him a knight
and sent him to war
where he promptly 
got syphilis
after jumping a whore

V

Little Miss Muffet
sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey

Along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and said politely
“You know, that’s really
just yoghurt
with a rustic old name.
Why not add some berries
to make it more game?”

Little Miss Muffet
looked once askance
at the uninvited guest
who’d taken a chance
that she might be nice
but she wasn’t
you see
and before he could blink
even one of his eyes
she brought down a hand
and told spider
“Goodbye”

VI

Jack and Jill
ran up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after

Now apparently
Jack got up
and trotted home
as fast as he could caper
leaving poor Jill
to find her way
on her own
while Jack
so the story goes
was being ministered to
by old Dame Dob
who patched his nob
with vinegar and brown paper

When Jill found out
about Jack’s sick
and twisted dalliance
she broke his crown again
and cut his nob off
She then set it to floating
in the pail of water
and presented it
to old Dame Dob
before she flattened
the surprised crone
with a hard right
to her toothless jaw
and threw her
face first
into a puddle of muck

Then Jill went
to the bailiff’s
to sue Jack
and his ancient mistress
for everything they owned
which wasn’t much
but it was satisfying
nonetheless
since she got her pail back
sans Jack’s nob
and actually lived
happily ever after
because a passing agent
of the King
who saw the fracas
also saw a great opportunity
and made her
the first ever
lady mudwrestler

VII

In legal news today:

Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating a Christmas pie

He put in his thumb
and cut it
on a shard of metal
for which
he was granted
an out-of-court
settlement
of $250,000

He was afterwards
quoted as saying
“What a good boy am I!”

VIII

Peter Peter pumpkin eater
had a wife
but couldn’t keep her

He put her
and her lover
in a pumpkin shell
baked them
at 350F
for an hour or so
and there 
he kept them
very well
until the neighbours
noticed the smell
and Peter’s life
went all to hell

IX

There was an old woman
who lived in a shoe
she had so many children
she knew not what to do
she gave them some broth
without any bread
then whipped them all soundly
and put them to bed

While they were sleeping
she gathered her things
and hitched a ride
with a trucker
in exchange
for a fling

When she finally got home
the children were angry
They tied her up tight
and went somewhat crazy

A scant two days later
the feds found her dead
a victim apparently
of a shoe to the head

The children were arraigned
but never got sentenced
they’d burned the shoe down
so without evidence
of how the deceased
met her untimely end
they all got released
instead of 8 to 10

X

Hickory-dickory dock
the mouse
ran up the clock
the clock struck one
the mouse ran down

and to this day
no one
has the faintest clue
what the hell 
this rhyme is about

XI

There was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle
of her forehead

When she was good
she was very very good
and when she was bad
she was expensive

XII

Diddle diddle dumpling
my son John
went to sleep
with his breeches on
One stocking off
and one stocking on

When he woke at last
his wallet was gone

That’ll show the little bastard
what happens when you camp
and get drunk in a tent
with a poxied two-bit tramp

XIII

Wee Willie Winkie
ran through the town
upstairs and downstairs
in his nightgown

Rapping at the windows
crying through the locks
"Are the children in their beds?
Now it's eight o'clock."

The townsfolk gathered
They debated
and they strived
what to do 
about this maniac
who was wrecking
all their lives

They waited
until Willie
was out
on his next run
and when they’d
caught him up
they locked
him in a drum

They rolled it
to the river
and rolled it
down the bank
and the last they
heard of Willie
was the gurgle
as it sank

XIV

“Baa, baa, black sheep.
Have you any wool?”

“Yes, marry, have I
three bags full:
one for you, master
one for my dame
but none for the little boy
who cries in the lane.”

“Why is he crying
black sheep mine?”

“He cries ‘cause
he’s bestial
and I’m just
not inclined.”